advice on wording of paragraphs

[sentientsystem]

hey guys, i've created a few "gag-sites", to redirect people to, for various reasons, such as http://whiny.me/

what i'm NOT happy with, is the wording of the "self-help plan". i feel it's a little on the "dark" or "violent" side, but i still want it to be whitty and sarcastic and clever. does any one have any ideas as to how to pull it off? thanks.

[Ronald Roe]

I have to agree with you. It pretty much recommends suicide. I think you should tailor the content to the individual sites.

[AlphaMare]

Way too dark, not that witty, and for goodness sakes - SPELLCHECK!
Try this:

WE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU PROBABLY HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE SO WHINY, AND THAT YOUR METHOD OF SELF-EXPRESSI0N IS IMPORTANT TO YOU.

WE EMPATHIZE WITH YOU, WE TRULY DO.
BUT YOUR WHININESS IS ANNOYING TO OTHERS, AND CAN TEND TO ALIENATE FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES AND LEAD TO A LONELY LIFE.
BECAUSE WE ARE SUCH COMPASIONATE BEINGS, WE WILL TAKE THE TIME TO HELP YOU STOP BEING SO WHINY. SIMPLY FOLLOW THE EVVE SELF-HELP PLAN:

FIND A COMFORTABLE PLACE TO STAND/SIT/LIE DOWN.
TAKE A FEW DEEP BREATHS AND RELAX FOR A MOMENT.
VISUALIZE YOURSELF SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE MORE WHINY THAN YOURSELF.
SEE HOW SUPERIOR IT MAKES YOU FEEL TO BE THE LEAST WHINY PERSON IN YOUR VISION.
STRETCH YOUR LIPS OUTWARDS AND UP. (THIS IS KNOWN AS “SMILING”.)
PRACTICE THIS MOTION UNTIL IT COMES NATURALLY TO YOU – THIS MAY TAKE SOME TIME BUT KEEP AT IT, YOU WILL GET THERE EVENTUALLY.
ONCE YOU HAVE THE “SMILING” DOWN PAT, YOU CAN MOVE ON TO THE ADVANCED LEVEL OF UN-WHINYNESS, “LAUGHING”.
REMEMBER THAT THIS PROCESS WIL TAKE TIME, SO BE CAREFUL NOT TO PUSH YOURSELF TOO FAR TOO FAST, OR YOU MAY HAVE A RELAPSE, AND FALL BACK PAST “WHINY” INTO “CRYING”.

THANK YOU FOR DOING YOUR PART IN THE EFFORT TO MAKE THE INTERNET A LESS WHINY PLACE FOR THE REST OF US.

[sentientsystem]

i love this part:

"VISUALIZE YOURSELF SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE MORE WHINY THAN YOURSELF.
SEE HOW SUPERIOR IT MAKES YOU FEEL TO BE THE LEAST WHINY PERSON"

thanks, i might work that in.